Lack of prayer blamed for shit ‘snow day’

tom cruise

Households throughout the country have had to unexpectedly cancel their day in the pub, as the lack of snow this morning has left many with little choice but to go into work.

The Right Reverend Justin Welby the soon to be Archbishop of Canterbury has told the nation that people only have their blasphemous selves to blame. In a hastily convened Press conference he told us “Whether we have a snow day or not is entirely down to God’s discretion. Sadly not enough people went to church yesterday so he’s clearly decided to make it rain instead. If you’re looking for a weather related extension to the week-end then my advice to you would be get yourself to church next Sunday and sing ‘We plough the fields and scatter’ at the top of your little voices!”

Weatherman and housewife’s favourite Michael Fish has conceded that there may be some mileage in Mr Welby’s analogy. “In the 1970s you could be pretty sure everyone would be snowed in once a year at least. And far more people went to church then so that proves it. Everyone’s into that scientology now so you can probably blame Tom Cruise for ruining everyone’s fun”.

Prolific Scientologist Tom Cruise has adamantly denied that he is any way to blame for the rug being pulled on Britain’s day off. “If people really want a day off they should follow the teachings of Scientology. If enough people pledge us half their income we will ensure the entire earth’s surface is covered in ‘Snoo’. It’s a bit like snow but it’s pink and bouncy, and it’ll bring everything to a standstill for a whole week. Guaranteed.”

Disgruntled office worker Bert Onions was having a cigarette outside his office when we spoke to him this morning. “I’m gutted. All I needed was a thin layer of ice on the ground and I was going to phone into work and say that I couldn’t get the car off the drive way. Sadly, thanks to my atheism, I’m here doing my shit office job. I obviously need to be praying to someone or other so I’m going to spend the afternoon comparing religions on the internet. Which ever one promises the shittest weather I’m converting to.”

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