Britain to continue naming increasingly lame storms

Britain is to continue naming increasingly lame storms until such time that someone has to think up a name every time there is just some weather. The news comes as Storm Barney approaches Britain’s East coast causing disruption to picnics and outdoor card games. The Met office have advised widespread school closures, once lessons have […]

Britain braces itself for heaviest snow on record

Britain is bracing itself for the heaviest snow on record which when it happens is thought to be likely to cover Britain in a 3-4 metre blanket of snow, which it is thought will then take up to several months to thaw. Veteran TV weatherman Michael Fish who has seen, predicted and been complicit in […]

Britain braces itself for the noisiest winter on record

Britain has been warned to brace itself for the noisiest winter on record as longtitudinal waves formed from compressions and rarefactions of air are amplified by the gulf stream. A spokesman for the Met office said “I’ve no idea what temperatures we’re going to experience but whatever weather we do have is definitely going to […]

Michael Gove condemns left wing weather

Education Secretary Michael Gove has publicly condemned the recent inclement weather spells which he has described as left wing and irresponsible. “If you look outside, it’s pissing it down again. And it’s quite clearly down to left wing academics, unions, public sector workers, professional bodies and anyone else who doesn’t vote for us. And the […]

Britain to expect 18 foot of rain

Britain is set to experience rainfall equivalent of the height of 3 tall men standing on top of each other or one giant, according to reports from the Met office this morning. Caused it seems by what is known as a constipated cloud which gathers moisture for a number of months before dropping it’s entire […]

BBC to axe “The weather”

It’s been one of Britains longest running series of all time, but today Director General of the BBC, Lord Hall of Birkenhead, has confirmed that the final part of the weather will be screened on Sunday. “We’ve nowhere else to go with it. We’ve had it all, strong winds, weak winds, swirly winds, hot snow, […]

Michael Fish caught siphoning off weather for personal use

The list of veteran TV presenters in trouble with the law grew even longer today as weather guru and role model for millions, Michael Fish was  accused of siphoning off the most favourable weather for his own personal use, according to a Guardian exposé today. The controversial climatalogical soothsayer has allegedly been photographed sitting under […]

Lack of prayer blamed for shit ‘snow day’

Households throughout the country have had to unexpectedly cancel their day in the pub, as the lack of snow this morning has left many with little choice but to go into work. The Right Reverend Justin Welby the soon to be Archbishop of Canterbury has told the nation that people only have their blasphemous selves […]