Britain to continue naming increasingly lame storms

Britain is to continue naming increasingly lame storms until such time that someone has to think up a name every time there is just some weather. The news comes as Storm Barney approaches Britain’s East coast causing disruption to picnics and outdoor card games. The Met office have advised widespread school closures, once lessons have […]

Britain braces itself for hottest weekend on record

Britain is bracing itself for what is likely to be the hottest week-end on record after news from the Met office has suggested that at some stage we are likely to have a weekend hotter than any other weekend that there has ever been before. High street retailers are thought to be anticipating record sales […]

Fred Talbot guilty of indecently assaulting the weather

Former weather man Fred Talbot indecently assaulted the weather using his position of power and influence to force himself on meteorological variations who were powerless to stop him. Announcing the guilty verdict, presiding Judge Timothy Mort summarised that under the guise of a temperature predicting clown who jumped around a floating map of Britain to […]

Britain braces itself for the noisiest winter on record

Britain has been warned to brace itself for the noisiest winter on record as longtitudinal waves formed from compressions and rarefactions of air are amplified by the gulf stream. A spokesman for the Met office said “I’ve no idea what temperatures we’re going to experience but whatever weather we do have is definitely going to […]

David Cameron “It’s ok. I’m nice and warm”

Prime Minister David Cameron has reassured flood victims throughout the country with the simple message “It’s ok. I’m nice and warm.” Having emerged from this evenings COBRA meeting Mr Cameron reassured a packed press conference “The flooding has been a tragedy for all those affected. But don’t let the thought of me being cold and […]

Stormy weather attributed to bloke who did not buy a bag for life

With the Country once again being battered by rainfall and 90 mph winds along with the growing sentiment that this is caused by climate change, calls are coming in thick and fast for the public hanging of Southampton resident Bert Onions, who it is alleged on November 13th 2012 went to his local supermarket to […]

Ray Winstone called in to sort out the weather

Hard man Ray Winstone is getting set to confront the weather as part of new measures agreed at the most recent Government COBRA meeting. Speaking at a packed press conference Prime Minister David Cameron told us “The public can rest assured that we’re going to explore every avenue to help Britain through this meteorological crisis. […]

UKIP support gay marriage as weather nicer today

A UKIP councillor who blamed the recent storms and heavy floods across Britain on the Government’s decision to legalise gay marriage has suggested that God may have changed his mind as many parts of Britain enjoy a sunny day. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference, Councillor David Silvester from Henley-on-Thames explained: “Obviously all the […]

Michael Gove condemns left wing weather

Education Secretary Michael Gove has publicly condemned the recent inclement weather spells which he has described as left wing and irresponsible. “If you look outside, it’s pissing it down again. And it’s quite clearly down to left wing academics, unions, public sector workers, professional bodies and anyone else who doesn’t vote for us. And the […]

Britain to expect 18 foot of rain

Britain is set to experience rainfall equivalent of the height of 3 tall men standing on top of each other or one giant, according to reports from the Met office this morning. Caused it seems by what is known as a constipated cloud which gathers moisture for a number of months before dropping it’s entire […]