Stormy weather attributed to bloke who did not buy a bag for life

With the Country once again being battered by rainfall and 90 mph winds along with the growing sentiment that this is caused by climate change, calls are coming in thick and fast for the public hanging of Southampton resident Bert Onions, who it is alleged on November 13th 2012 went to his local supermarket to pick up a few bits and pieces but did not purchase a bag for life.

The assistant serving Mr onions told us that the incident would be etched on her brain for the forseeable future.

“I asked him if he’s brought his own bag, and when he said no I asked him if he would like to buy a bag for life. Shockingly with no apparent regard for climate change he told me that he’d just take a few free ones. The whole queue went silent apart from one other customer who was brave enough to ask him if he realised that there was only one ice cap left in the north pole and there was a polar bear desperately clinging onto it. He might as well have just murdered a penguin with his bare hands.”

Another customer at the supermarket told us “You could actually feel the global temperature rise the moment that bloke chose lots of little bags. I was so angry about it I went home, turned the heating on, opened all the windows and left the car running outside. What a bastard. I hope he’s going to come round and put sandbags by my front door.”

Mr Onions has issued a statement to members of the press who have been camped outside his house since the inclement weather began. “The whole thing is absolute nonsense. Blame him next door, he never sorts out his bottles and cans. In fact he frequently stuffs a live panda into his recycling bin and they always collect it. You can use as many polythene bags as you like. Any surplus just get eaten by seagulls.”

A government spokesman said “It’ll be good to have a sunny day and find some things we can blame poor people for.”