“Please stay and relive your student days through us” freshers beg parents


Brand new students have come together as one to beg parents who haven’t left yet after dropping them off at their respective university towns and show no signs of doing so, that they should all stay indefinitely in order to relive their own student days through their offspring.

“I want every experience I have to be analysed by my parents before being told at great length about their own student experience. They can then maybe point out that they had to do the whole thing on their own as they didn’t have the benefit of cool parents who would come along and  join in with absolutely everything, vet all potential new friends and partners, and offer worldly advice at every juncture.”

One proud father of a Leeds university student told us “There’ll always be an apparently compelling reason that I’m still here which will vary from day to day. But rest assured I’m here for the whole three years and I’m never ever fucking off.”

A spokesman for the National Association for Drug Dealers told us “It’s a busy enough time for us as it is with all towns being packed with freshers who haven’t run out of money yet. Unfortunately we get stuck in crowds of parents asking for drugs like barbiturates and quaaludes before telling their offspring they can get off their tits on nutmeg. It gets worse every year.”

Another fresher we spoke to had taken the unusual step of getting his parents to drop him off at Portsmouth University before taking a train to Brighton where he had actually gained a place. “I left my parents at a foam party” he explained.

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