Fury as athletes on drugs should be running faster

Athletes on drugs should really be running at 40 mph and should be able to jump nearly as high as a house, according to a report by the International Olympic Committee.

Club shut down by people who don’t go clubbing anymore

People who don’t go clubbing have called the closure of London super-club Fabric, a victory for common sense, particularly as they don’t go clubbing anymore so it won’t affect them.

Olympic medals awarded to fat man as all athletes fail narcotics tests

All Olympic medals are set to be reallocated to a fat man following the news that all athletes have tested positive on a mass retest of samples from 1954 to the present day. A spokesman for the International Olympic Committee said “We have to give these medals to someone. And as it turns out all […]

MPs to reduce use of drugs and prostitutes by 40% by 2018

MPs are to face tough new targets to reduce their use of drugs and prostitutes by 40% according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Speaking to Andrew Neil on the television Mr Osborne said that the Government would be taking these targets seriously and would fully expect use of both to slow down slightly […]

Billy Whizz accused of historic drug use

Cartoon athlete Billy Whizz has denied accusations that he deliberately missed drug tests throughout the 1980s when he enjoyed the accolade of World’s fastest boy. Lawyers representing the Beano have robustly denied any drug abuse within the comic citing as an example a weekly story about unruly school children who live on Bash street, who […]

“Please stay and relive your student days through us” freshers beg parents

Brand new students have come together as one to beg parents who haven’t left yet after dropping them off at their respective university towns and show no signs of doing so, that they should all stay indefinitely in order to relive their own student days through their offspring. “I want every experience I have to […]

Drugs prices to go up after a Yes vote

  A spokesman for the National Association of Dealers has warned that retail prices for recreational drugs could go up in the event of a yes vote. “Up until now, any time we want to bring a big bag of dirty rugs into the country we just stick them in the back of a Ford […]

Princess Anne “We must introduce badgers to booze, fags and crack”

The only humane way to cull badgers is by introducing them to alcohol, cigarettes and crack cocaine according to the Princess Royal. Speaking to BBC One’s Countryfile programme at her Gatcombe Park estate, Princess Anne explained “The trouble with badgers is they live quite a healthy lifestyle. All those root vegetables they scoff mean that […]

Ketamine sales up as Government reclassification makes it exciting again

Drug Dealers throughout Britain have reported a sharp upturn in Ketamine sales today as the proposed reclassification of the horse tranquiliser from C to B have once again made it a bit naughty and therefore more interesting. One user we spoke to told us that he was looking forward to giving the drug another bash, […]

David Cameron “Drug dealers must offer all customers the best possible deal”

Drug dealers will be required by law to offer all their customers the best possible deal under new legislation announced today by David Cameron. Speaking at a Press conference this morning the Prime Minister explained “We’re sick and tired of hearing how one customer may be charged a certain tariff for a bag of weed […]