Drugs prices to go up after a Yes vote

A spokesman for the National Association of Dealers has warned that retail prices for recreational drugs could go up in the event of a yes vote.

“Up until now, any time we want to bring a big bag of dirty rugs into the country we just stick them in the back of a Ford Focus and drive them to their destination. Now we’re going to have to start being sneaky. And that’s going to put the street value of drugs up by 9 times, if not 18 times. Possibly even 27 times.”

Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond has discounted the findings and promised an independent Scotland would lead the world in being spannered.

“It’s scaremongering. The National Association of Dealers are clearly in league with Westminster. Actually an independent Scotland will be more ripped to the tits than the rest of Britain. It is the sovereign will of the people to get munted like a chimp.”

The predicted price hike is thought to affect most recreational drugs, not least the narcotic of choice for many young Scots which called ‘Percy’. Generally sold in used socks, it famously provides a one second high followed by two seconds of disappointment and is highly addictive.

A spokesman for Customs and Excise told us that a future Scotland border patrol would have their work cut out stopping young Scots acquiring eyes like spoons.  “The most popular way for criminals to smuggle drugs is under the guise of deliveries to zoos and safari parks, usually by disguising one hump camels as two hump camels, the resultant confusion enabling the zoo keeper to smuggle the drugs in up his arse.” He explained.