Catholic church to be put on sex offenders register

vatican bishops sex offenders register

The entire Catholic church is set to be put on the sex offenders register following today’s announcement from the Vatican that it’s Bishops no longer have to report cases of sexual abuse.

A spokesman for the Uber rich, sexually repressed, God bothering cult said it would still be spreading its message of piety but under supervision and not near schools.

Home Secretary Theresa May defended her decision to place the entire church including staff, parishioners, books, fixtures, fittings and celestial bodies on the register. “Basically if they’re not doing it themselves, then they’re not going to be reporting it either. It’s better to put the whole lot on it, with their double standards and their silly hats.”

In a rare moment of solidarity with Ms May, Justice Secretary Michael Gove  said “I don’t want to offend Anne Widdecombe but someone’s got to put an end to these frock wearing friars and their incessant fiddling.  People go along with their abuse because they think they’re going to get some big prize from God in the form of eternal life. There’s too many parallels with Jim’ll Fix It for my liking.”

His Holiness the pope has gone on record to assure supporters that the church will still be talking the moral high ground despite the ruling.

“We will still be punishing people with 50 lashes from the rod for such blasphemous crimes as farting on a Tuesday. And protesting against condoms being used to halt the spread of aids. We’ll just have to organise it around regularly reporting in to our local police station.” He explained.


  1. Very funny and poignant.

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