Catholic church to be put on sex offenders register

The entire Catholic church is set to be put on the sex offenders register following today’s announcement from the Vatican that it’s Bishops no longer have to report cases of sexual abuse. A spokesman for the Uber rich, sexually repressed, God bothering cult said it would still be spreading its message of piety but under […]

Vatican announce Pride march

The Vatican is to organise it’s own Gay Pride march later this year as part of the Catholic church’s new policy of inclusivity and celebrating diversity. Speaking to a supportive congregation, Pope Francis said “Historically we like our priests to be sexually repressed and frustrated because they don’t have sex with the opposite sex rather […]

Catholic church warns God to stop making gays

The Catholic church have asked God to ruddy well pull his socks up and stop making gays, as the synod on family issues opens this morning. A spokesman for the Vatican said that God was being irresponsible and according to the esteemed book of Leviticus would risk being severely punished by himself. “If he insists […]

“I’m not bothered if people are gay or not” God tells Catholics

In a further blow to Catholic church synod members who today voted against the Pope in his proposals for wider acceptance of gay people, God has gone on record in a rare statement to say that he’s not actually that bothered if people are gay or not. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference the […]

Vatican congratulated on its move to financial crime

Pope Francis has heralded a much needed change in direction today as a senior Italian cleric has been charged with merely laundering millions through the Vatican bank, as opposed to instigating or attempting to cover up any sort of sexual assault. Monsignor Nunzio Scarano, who is already on trial and under house arrest on separate charges of plotting […]

Next pope “may have to be a dalek”

The next pope may well have to be a dalek, according to an outspoken Vatican source, in what is seen as one of the most dramatic breaks from ecumenical convention since the 12th Century when the papacy was briefly awarded to an elk. Speaking at a press conference this morning, Vatican Head of Communications Cardinal […]

Lord Rennard blames ‘arse biting chickens’

Ex-Lib Dem chief executive Lord Rennard has today refuted allegations of sexual impropriety, blaming a rare breed of ‘arse biting chicken’ for any inappropriateness.  His shorter than expected statement “It wasn’t me. It was the arse biting chickens”  has surprised the political world and left the results of the forthcoming Eastleigh by-election ever more difficult […]

It’s Snoop Popey Pope as rapper hot favourite for Vatican leadership

The Catholic Church has been thrown into turmoil today by the Pope’s decision to resign from the catholic Church to ‘seek new challenges within the private sector’. The announcement came as a surprise to insiders who had gathered to join the Pope for his weekly game of ‘ecumenical cricket’, where participants gain one run for […]