Pope relaxes Catholic rules on felching

Pope Francis has unveiled reforms intended to relax formerly strict Catholic rules on felching in a speech made today. Speaking to a heaving press conference outside the Vatican, his Holiness said “We don’t want to alienate half our flock who may at some time have had cause to engage in felching, perhaps through no fault […]

“I’m not bothered if people are gay or not” God tells Catholics

In a further blow to Catholic church synod members who today voted against the Pope in his proposals for wider acceptance of gay people, God has gone on record in a rare statement to say that he’s not actually that bothered if people are gay or not. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference the […]

Vatican congratulated on its move to financial crime

Pope Francis has heralded a much needed change in direction today as a senior Italian cleric has been charged with merely laundering millions through the Vatican bank, as opposed to instigating or attempting to cover up any sort of sexual assault. Monsignor Nunzio Scarano, who is already on trial and under house arrest on separate charges of plotting […]