George Osborne’s dominatrix given knighthood

George Osborne’s regular dominatrix has been awarded a knighthood today for services to pleasuring over privileged former public school boys with a piece of birch.

Coca-Cola to include cocaine again

Coca-Cola are to get round the sugar tax by replacing some of the sugar in its drinks with cocaine according to a statement released by the ultra-sugary drinks giant this morning.

Sweep to enter Celebrity Big Brother

Big Brother producers Endemol have confirmed that former childrens’ entertainer Sweep will be adding his name to the Glitterati who have already entered the Big Brother house. A spokesman for Endemol told us that the famous squeaky dog would be likely to enter the house tonight or tomorrow night or the night after that at […]

MPs to reduce use of drugs and prostitutes by 40% by 2018

MPs are to face tough new targets to reduce their use of drugs and prostitutes by 40% according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Speaking to Andrew Neil on the television Mr Osborne said that the Government would be taking these targets seriously and would fully expect use of both to slow down slightly […]

Government to decriminalise middle class drug use

The Government has strongly hinted that recreational drug use may soon be legal on the strict proviso that the drugs used are middle class drugs or at a push working class drugs that are being used by the middle classes. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference Prime Minister David Cameron said “We can’t just […]

“It wasn’t even good stuff” says Paul Flowers

Former Co-operative Bank boss Paul Flowers has told critics that the Daily Mail’s recent video of him buying cocaine was part of a double disappointment to him as apparently it wasn’t even good stuff. “I wouldn’t have minded if I had spent the rest of the night bouncing about like the bastard love child of […]