Government to decriminalise middle class drug use

Lines of cocaine at a weekend party

The Government has strongly hinted that recreational drug use may soon be legal on the strict proviso that the drugs used are middle class drugs or at a push working class drugs that are being used by the middle classes.

Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference Prime Minister David Cameron said “We can’t just stop putting people in prison for personal drug consumption just because of some huge home office study that says it’s counter productive. Middle England would be furious. But if we draw a blind eye to jolly middle class drug fuelled japery, we can send everyone else to prison, thus appealing to the electorate as cool and yet at the same time old fashioned.

“Obviously George Osborne wasn’t actually doing lines of ching in that photo with the prostitute but under our new legislation he could have been if he’d wanted to, obviously not now but in the future when the law gets passed. Unless the law doesn’t get passed in which case he absolutely didn’t and he didn’t even want to.

“Basically we’ll let the posh kids off scot free and and decide whether to arrest anyone else based on their earnings.”

One middle class recreational drug user told us “It’s true. We’re vastly superior in the way we consume narcotics. We’ll get stoned and discuss the nuances of a cool and interesting band. And if we get munchies we’ll have a cassoulet. Or sometimes just get munted like a chimp.”

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