Britain not only now has highly poisonous spiders but is actually overrun with them to a level approaching plague proportions according to a new study released today.
The unsubstantiated report from an unnamed source states “They don’t seem to be biting people just yet and hardly anyone has seen them but that doesn’t mean that they’re not hiding literally everywhere in the their thousands, millions or maybe even more.”
Indeed one London resident told us of several recent sightings. “I’ve seen a black widow, a funnel web and a tarantula in the last few weeks. This was all on a recent trip to Africa but it’s chilling to know that they might be at large in Britain as well. In numbers approaching biblical proportions. I also hear they have them at Whipsnade zoo. I bet that’s just the tip of the iceberg.” He explained.
However Professor Brian Cox has assured the public that getting bitten by a highly venomous spider is highly unlikely unless you accidentally tread on one. “If there really are as many as there would be if there were loads of them, they most likely won’t be able to see for venomous spiders themselves and will end up biting each other which will decimate the population”
The report also suggests a series of simple checks to avoid the chances of a nasty bite.
“Check under the bed, under the duvet, inside the duvet cover and inside the pillow cases. Better still don’t go to bed at all.”
A government spokesman has denounced the report as “Probably scaremongering”
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