David Beckham quits football to take drugs and go raving

David Beckham is to retire from football at the end of this season after an illustrious 20-year career, to follow his dream of getting absolutely munted on a cocktail of narcotics and attending all night raves. Reportedly ‘insanely jealous’ of ravers who get to stay up all night, whilst he has had to get an early one before a match, the sports icon has announced plans to drive around country lanes waiting for a man in a glittery suit to jump out and give him directions to the rave. “I’ve still got a flyer for a rave in a cave from 1991. I’m going to see if it’s still going and get right on it” he told us.

Sporting a pair of Saville Row white gloves, chewing gum made for him by Marco Pierre White and blowing on a diamond encrusted whistle, the former England captain has told fans “I’m thankful to Paris St-Germaine for giving me the opportunity to continue. Top one, nice one, sorted. But I’m going to need to avoid drug tests for the time being, now that I’m  a cheesy quaver. And I’ve got to do it now. Posh tells me I can’t start raving in my forties”.

Former Blur bassist and party animal Alex James has been one of the first to wish Mr Beckham luck with his new project. “He’s never had it large and he’s never felt the rush. He’s got a lot of catching up to do, particularly if he wants to start in the 1990s. But I’m sure he’s up to it. And when he retires he can turn his hand to making cheese”.

The former England captain who has 2 children named Dweezil and Moon-Unit made 115 appearances for his country and 394 for Manchester United, winning six Premier League titles and the Champions League.  However he has never achieved the ultimate goal of going to a free festival and getting so out of it that he loses his trousers.

England Manager Roy Hodgson added: “He’s had a glittering career, iconic status, and I wish him all the best in his new vocation of caning narcotics like a laboratory beagle. Whether he’ll hang around in chill out rooms or join Alex Ferguson in being a podium dancer remains to be seen”.