Oil industry in squashed animals shocker


David Cameron has today joined other politicians in expressing condemnation at recent revelations that not only have the oil industry been fixing prices, but also allegedly making oil and petrol out of squashed animals. “Look, I don’t think anyone can honestly say they haven’t trodden on a dog or a rabbit at some point in their lives. But imagine sitting on an animal for 2 billion years and then using its sloppy remains to run a car or stop a door squeaking. The industry must be called to account over this.”

A spokesman for the Vegetarian Society called the practice ‘barbaric’ and demanded that the industry immediately separate oil that has come from squashed animals and oil that has come from plants. “Either you make our petrol vegetarian or we stop driving. Or start eating meat. So we’ll be in El Rancho steak house making up for lost time and awaiting a response”.

We found smug celebrity chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall stuffing live woodland creatures into his petrol tank when we came to interview him  “The trouble with oil is that you don’t know what animals you’re eating or how they were kept before being squashed. All these animals live a carefree and wonderful life before I burn them alive to power my Land Rover”.

Vegetarian crooner and former Smiths frontman Morrissey is said to be ‘unsuprised’ by the revelations and has cited it as the reason that he always walks or is carried to his gigs. “I have never been responsible for the death of an animal, prehistoric or otherwise” he explained, “I have made a number of animals quite depressed though.”

The RSPCA have organised an emergency meeting on the subject. It is not clear how it’s members are going to travel to it. Or something.

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