Songs of praise to be judged by Simon Cowell

songs of praisesongs of praise simon cowell

BBC1’s religious shanty programme ‘Songs of Praise’ is to now have Simon Cowell commenting after each hymn and awarding points as part of what many see as a long overdue revamp of the programme.

A spokesman for the BBC told us “It should have been done years ago. The show’s been running since 1961 where it was originally designed to remind people that the week-end is nearly finished and they should slow down on their drinking. But sadly it hasn’t moved with the times and every week it’s been just the same old shit of people singing hymns with no critical review, no points, and no winners. The viewers deserve more than that, and so does God.”

The judges who will also include Gary Barlow and Louis Walsh are said to be renaming themselves the father, the son and holy ghost for the purposes of the competition. Mr Cowell has today been filming at Slough Cathedral where we were fortunate enough to hear him offering sage like advice to the congregation.

“You think you’re singing well enough to perform in front of God?  Well I’m like a God and I can’t bear to hear another word of it.

“What on earth possessed you to sing ‘We plough the fields and scatter’? It’s a beautiful song but you all have completely the wrong voice and you’ve killed it. And I’m very disappointed with the outfits you’ve picked for tonight, you’re going to have to show a lot more leg if I’m going to put you through to the next round. ” he explained.

However, the show has not been without its critics, many claiming that the show is nothing  more than a glorified karaoke. Serial boogie-woogie accompanier Jools Holland explained  “They just sing the same old hymns over and over again, just appealing to people with no imagination. They should take a few risks, make up their own hymns and jam out a bit.”

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