UKIP fury as supermarket bans English people

UKIP councillors and MPs are said to be livid at a new supermarket in Essex which has today banned anyone English from shopping there.  The superstore situated between Chelmsford and Basildon is ultimately set to become part of a non-English only complex which will include a leisure centre, restaurants and a foreigners only car park.

Local resident Chris French told us “I’m not racist but it’s all gone too far hasn’t it? I can’t even go to a supermarket in my own country. Well obviously I get let in because of my name and the fact that my Great Grandmother was Dutch but it must be a nightmare for those whose family linage is entirely British for hundreds of years without even any slight variation from the gene pool.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage who was talking to the protesters told us “Because of my French name and my German wife I’m actually allowed in, so I’ve done a bit of shopping while I’m here. I think most of us are actually foreigners once you get down to the nuts and bolts of it.  But if I was 100% English then I’d be furious.”

The supermarket looks very similar to many others except it requires shoppers to take a DNA test before they get a trolley. Only those who can prove pure Britishness without any adulteration are refused service. Former BNP leader and MEP Nick Griffin was picking up some braising steak and spinach when we spoke to him “I took the DNA test and it turns out that I’m largely Romany Gipsy. Who would have thought? Still I’ve made a nice living out of being racist, but now I think I like being foreign.”

One family rumoured to actually be undiluted English were unavailable when we called at their house in Horton Cum-Studley, a neighbour explaining that they were at their other house in Spain.

Not everyone has been won over by the onset of foreigner only shopping. The Daily Mail produced its first ever completely blank newspaper this morning. “They’re too incensed to speak” an insider told us.