“Isle of Wight has weapons of mass destruction” warns Barack Obama

barack obama

A US invasion of the Isle of Wight became ever more imminent today as President Barack Obama warned that there may or may not be some intelligence to suggest that the pariah Island may have weapons of mass destruction. Speaking at a press conference this morning Mr Obama stated “We have varying degrees of confidence about where they are, what they are, how they work and if they work.” he said. “But our intelligence sources on the Island are 50% sure that if they do have them, they would be prepared to use them between the hours of 9.30 and 3.30 with an hour break for lunch, apart from early closing Wednesdays”.

The rogue state situated off the South coast of England cut all diplomatic ties with the rest of Europe 35 years ago, after it refused to leave the 1970s.  Isolated from the mainstream western world, the Island has followed it’s own path, where it is not unusual to see locals shouting at bushes and it is quite normal to marry your sister, though marrying other people’s sisters is frowned upon. Visitors are tolerated but only on heavily escorted tours to look at garlic bulbs or listen to music in heavily caged enclosures.  Such unpredictability has been known to strike fear into the heart of foreign troops. In fact a recent reconnaissance mission by the Ghurkas had to be abandoned as the entire unit went AWOL and were later found enjoying a day out at nearby Peppa Pig World.

Mr Obama stopped short of promising an immediate invasion. “Our main issue is the 35 year time difference. If we send a 43 year old general in then he will only be 8 years old when he arrives, and he may not have any troops left. Most of our technology such as drones was invented in the last decade or so, so it will be useless”.

British premier David Cameron also issued a statement this  morning “What he said” he told us.

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