Isle of Wight residents boycott Asda after new bags read “Isle of Shite”

Isle of Wight residents are threatening to boycott the new Asda superstore after their new bags for life were found to read “Isle of Shite”.

Britain to return Isle of Wight to China

Britain is to return sovereignty of the Isle of Wight to China, marking the end of its long-term lease from the Asian economic giant.

Isle of Wight to impose border controls

The Isle of Wight is set to be the latest nation to impose strict new border controls, as concern increases regarding immigration from the mainland. Council Leader Jonathan Bacon said  “It makes sense for us to have border controls here. Otherwise Hampshire and Dorset locals are going to come over here in a swarm. If […]

Isle of Wight chosen for Britain’s first autobahn

The Isle of Wight has been chosen as the setting for Britain’s first speed limit free motorway according to the Department of Transport. Secretary of State for Transport Patrick McLoughlin said “We want to create a southern offshore powerhouse. And we’re not going to have that pootling around at 40 mph. It’s time the Island […]

No foreigners to vote in referendum on multiculturalism

Foreigners are to be excluded from the forthcoming referendum on whether the United Kingdom wishes to remain part of Europe, which might result in more of that multiculturalism, according to David Cameron this morning. “We can’t have someone who is European born and has been working here and paying taxes for twenty years casting votes […]

Jihadists to be quarantined on the Isle of Wight and forced to watch Strictly Come Dancing

British jihadists who travel abroad to fight will have their UK citizenship partially revoked, restricting their access to the Isle of Wight, where they will be forced to spend an indefinite period of time watching every episode of Strictly Come Dancing as part of tough new measures announced today by Prime Minister David Cameron. “It’s […]

Isle of Wight makes preparations to hold world’s largest all nighter

Residents of the Isle of Wight are making preparations for what may well be the world’s largest all night rave, which is set to be held over the August bank holiday week-end. DJ Paul Oakenfold  told us “People are finding Ibiza too expensive so we need a home grown holiday venue where young people can […]

Putin recognises the Isle of Wight as a nation

Russian President Vladimir Putin has signed a decree recognising the Isle of Wight as a “sovereign and independent state”, officials say. Sources said the decree would come into force immediately. Foreign Secretary William Hague said “Mr Putin has had his eye on the Isle of Wight and their thriving ice cream and garlic industry for […]

‘All drug dealers must have licenses’ say Glastonbury organisers

Anyone expecting to arrive at Glastonbury festival with a big bag of drugs and the intention of selling them to revelers are going to have to have a license according to an announcement today from organisers. Throughout the duration of the festival anyone caught dealing without a license will be given 24 hours to apply […]

“Isle of Wight has weapons of mass destruction” warns Barack Obama

A US invasion of the Isle of Wight became ever more imminent today as President Barack Obama warned that there may or may not be some intelligence to suggest that the pariah Island may have weapons of mass destruction. Speaking at a press conference this morning Mr Obama stated “We have varying degrees of confidence […]