‘All drug dealers must have licenses’ say Glastonbury organisers

Anyone expecting to arrive at Glastonbury festival with a big bag of drugs and the intention of selling them to revelers are going to have to have a license according to an announcement today from organisers. Throughout the duration of the festival anyone caught dealing without a license will be given 24 hours to apply for one. Should that not be adhered to offenders may be politely asked to stop dealing altogether. Licensed dealers will also be encouraged to wear a uniform and a big hat.

The new rules set to be instigated at the Isle of Wight festival this weekend may see drug dealers  facing their toughest year since the mid 1980s, when everybody refused to take drugs as instructed to by the kids from grange hill in their song ‘just say no’. A spokesman from the British Association of Drug Dealers told us that the increased red tape could affect competition and drive cottage industries out of business in favour of large corporations. “Glastonbury used to be a place where you could purchase all your narcotic requirements from a man with a dog on a shitty rope. Now we have to offer a price match promise and explain to every client that drugs can cause their overall mood to go down as well as up.”

But the move has met with a surprising level of support from some festival goers. “It’s about time they were regulated. I was sold some Es last year before seeing Coldplay live. I wanted to smile and dance but the  music was so bland I had to dance around to the music in my head. A licensed dealer will hopefully give better advice. This year I’ll be saying ‘may I see your papers please’  to every dealer I meet. In a German accent.”

Police stations near all the major festivals will be offering fast track licenses to all that plan to spend their festival weekends serving up.   All applicants must provide their name, address and either some drugs or photos of them with drugs to prove they are dealers. One officer told us “Our doors will be open round the clock. And we’ll have the kettle on.”