“3 more days before you can take a shit” Glastonbury punters assured

Glastonbury revellers who arrived on Wednesday and already have the ‘turtles head showing’ have been reassured by organisers that they only have 3 more days before they can drop the kids off at the pool in the comfort of their own home. Land owner, organiser and non-moustached beard type person,  Michael Eavis, hit back angrily […]

Scientists dumbfounded as Stonehenge producing electricity

Scientists have admitted that they are at a loss to explain why Stonehenge appears to be producing electricity at a rate that seems to be increasing every day as we move towards the summer solstice. A spokesman for the National Trust said “We’re not sure why this is suddenly happening but it seems you can […]

Gove hints at releasing Florence Welch in time for Glastonbury

Justice Secretary Michael Gove has given his strongest hints yet that lead singer of Florence and the Machine, Florence Welch could well be granted parole in time for festival season. “We all like listening to Florence and the Machine at home but it’s not quite the same as watching it in a field whilst drinking […]

Michael Eavis builds 40 foot high fence around eclipse

Michael Eavis has built a 40 foot high fence around tomorrow’s solar eclipse and hired a large security firm to ensure that only those who have paid him £400 a ticket or are on some sort of corporate guest list can sneak a peak. Speaking on Radio One’s Newsbeat Mr Eavis said “I’m very proud […]

Thompson Twins to headline Glastonbury

The Thompson Twins have been confirmed to headline Glastonbury festival according to organiser and land owner Michael Eavis. “It’s taken a lot of negotiation. We didn’t know where they were, we didn’t know what they look like now, and we weren’t even sure if they still lived together in the same house. Indeed, the band […]

UKIP to have annual seance

The UK Independence Party have today announced that their first annual seance is to be held later on this year. Speaking from outside a meeting held today in Glastonbury, UKIP leader Nigel Farage told us “In order to respect the fact that many of our members have ties to spiritualism, angelic reiki healing and direct […]

Illegal not to like Dolly parton

Britain has today been coming to terms with the fact that as of the week-end it is now illegal not to like Dolly Parton. After what has been named the biggest concert by anyone ever, (aside from North Korea’s Kim Jong Un fest where the entire country’s population come to see their great leader play […]

Metallica eaten by bears

Heavy Metal group Metallica look unlikely to perform their headline slot at Glastonbury 2014 after all, as according to industry insiders,  the entire band have been eaten by bears. Bear hunting is a sport widely advocated by the National Rifle Association in America. It’s leader Charlton Heston apparently lived in fear of the world turning […]

Eavis confirms Glastonbury will be alcohol free

Michael Eavis has confirmed today that Glastonbury 2016 will be setting the standard for music festivals around the country by becoming Britain’s first dry festival.

‘All drug dealers must have licenses’ say Glastonbury organisers

Anyone expecting to arrive at Glastonbury festival with a big bag of drugs and the intention of selling them to revelers are going to have to have a license according to an announcement today from organisers. Throughout the duration of the festival anyone caught dealing without a license will be given 24 hours to apply […]