Eavis confirms Glastonbury will be alcohol free


Michael Eavis has confirmed today that Glastonbury 2016 will be setting the standard for music festivals around the country by becoming Britain’s first dry festival.

In what is seen as the next phase of making the festival more corporate, organisers have promised breath tests at the entrance to each field with those over the limit instructed to leave the site and walk around the perimeter until which time as they’ve sobered up a bit.

Mr Eavis explained “We have a great deal of corporate sponsors now and any bad behaviour as a result of having one too many reflects badly on them. Plus anyone spending over £200 on a ticket doesn’t want to have it ruined by falling over, being sick or forgetting where they are. That would be terrible value for money.

“In any event,  many of the headlining acts are recovering alcoholics and to be forced to play in front of huge crowds that are clearly having too much to drink will be just unfair.”

The decision is also said to have arisen from local pressure, even the hippies. One local told us “We’ve been campaigning for this for years. If they can’t enjoy themselves without having a drink then they need to take a long hard look at themselves.”

One festival goer told us “I was initially disappointed that I might have to get through a weekend of watching performers older than my Dad without a steady supply of over priced weak and pissy lager. But then I thought my life’s worth more than booze. I’ll just take loads of drugs instead.”

A spokesmen from Carlsberg told us  “We’ll still be sponsoring it. But we’ll be sponsoring it by staying out of the way.”


  1. As an ex boozer I find this a little disturbing. When will this level of human control stop. I drink very little alcohol and I don’t take drugs but I would never ever consider imposing my will on the God given right of the freedom of others to do what they wish regarding their social lives. Its easy Mike. Shut the bars at 1100 and stop hammering the drug scene. All you are doing is supporting the criminal fraternity and the Columbian drug barons.

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