Atheists are going to have to denounce their secularism and worship a log according to new legislation announced today by Minister for Faith and Communities, Baroness Warsi.
Baroness Warsi has denounced atheist academic Richard Dawkins as a “secular fundamentalist”.
“We’re going to stamp secular fundamentalism out. If you don’t believe in God, Allah, Buddah or Ganesh then you’re just going to have to worship a log.”
Though the legislation does not commence until next week, many former atheists and agnostics have already begun to embrace their new faith. One convert told us “I was going to join a mainstream religion but getting up early on a Saturday or Sunday when I’d been up half the night on the lash seemed like incredibly hard work. This way I just pop out to a log I keep in my back garden and quickly recite ‘Oh mighty log give us this day some stuff and let us off for doing shitty things if we say we’re sorry’ and I can then spend the rest of the morning sitting around in my pants.”
Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby has welcomed the move towards compulsory faith “We hope to see an increase in numbers coming to our churches now it is becoming law to worship something or other. God or log. It is up to each person to decide which one is more credible. I know which one I’d choose, the majority of the time.”
Surprisingly Mr Dawkins has also endorsed the scheme. “It’s quite fun kneeling in front of a log and wailing a bit every now and then. I wish I’d done it years ago.” he told us.
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