Cameron has ship shoved up his arse

The Prime Minister is said to be in good spirits this evening having just come out of an operation at St Mary’s hospital to have a UK built warship removed from his arse. The type 45 destroyer, manned by a large proportion of the population of Portsmouth is said to have left the Naval city and followed the coast before heading into London via the Thames estuary.  On arriving in London it apparently lurked outside the Houses of Parliament and waited patiently for Mr Cameron to bend over to tie a shoe lace before merrily sailing right into his sphincter.

A surprisingly chirpy Mr Cameron told a press conference “By placing this ship in my anus the people of Portsmouth are really saying that they agree with me.”

London Mayor Boris Johnson added “We need to give it all to the Scots so we can threaten to take it away again. Someone was always going to have a frigate wedged up their brown tunnel, so it’s good of David to take one for the team. He does seem strangely unperturbed by the intrusion. Obviously us shoving all sorts of things up his arse back in the Bullingdon days must have got him match fit for such an occurrence.”

Residents of Portsmouth have denied that there is any ill feeling regarding the demise of a 500 year old shipping industry and insisted that Osborne, Hunt, Duncan Smith or Gove would always be welcome in the city. One resident told us  “They’re very unlikely to find themselves impaled by the Spinnaker tower. Well quite unlikely anyway.”