Daily Mail plead with immigrants to stop paying their way

The Daily Mail have today pleaded with recent immigrants to stop contributing so efficiently to society as it may leave their readers with no focus for their hatred, forcing them to examine the inanity and hypocrisy of their own shallow lives. It also may affect the future of the paper itself.

A study by University College London said recent immigrants were less likely to claim benefits and live in social housing than people born in Britain. The authors said rather than being a “drain”, their contribution had been “remarkably strong”.

The Daily mail have hit back and issued the following statement:

“These figures are downright irresponsible. To many people whipping the public up into a misinformed, vitriolic, jingoistic frenzy might seem like a fun pastime, but to us it’s our livelihood. We make a nice living out of scaring middle England with our borderline racism and knee jerk reactions. It’s our bread and butter, And not that long bread neither.

“Please be a bit more lazy. Or if you must be industrious why don’t you concentrate on scamming the benefits system. Go on.  Claim a few benefits.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farararage told us that he would not be using the research in formulating any future opinions. “I don’t care about facts. Every immigrant has free access to a helicopter, a kitchen filled with le creuset and a mont blanc pen, all paid for by the tax payer. It’s about time we pulled our socks up and became more racist.”

Indeed Mr Farage’s may not be an isolated view. One member of the public told us “Him next door, he’s an immigrant.  But he wears a suit, drives a Ford Mondeo and has a take away every Saturday without fail. Assumedly because he works and I don’t”

A crisis meeting at the Daily Mail head quarters is said to be discussing possible change of direction for the troubled newspaper. A source told us “We’re likely to be launching a ‘Get out us’ campaign. We’d like all immigrants to go back to their own country but as they’re contributing more than we are, it makes sense that we should go back to their own country instead.”