Iain Duncan Smith “Universal Credits will work if poor people stop having sex”

Iain Duncan smithy

Iain Duncan Smith has this morning insisted that his Universal Credits project can and will work, on the proviso that all would be claimants keep their pants on and refrain from any form of sexual activity.

The Work and Pensions Secretary, has pledged to personally monitor the sexual activities of those on benefits in order to limit the levels of child benefit paid out by the state. “We don’t want to pay out for more than 2 children. Now I’ve had 4 shags during my marriage and I have 4 children. It stands to reason that we should only let couples who struggle financially have sex twice.”

In the most radical overhaul of the child benefit system in decades, all double beds that have been bought from BrightHouse and other sub prime weekly payment furniture debt companies will be fitted with a ‘BonkAlarm’ which will automatically set up a live video link with Iain Duncan Smith himself.

“I’ll be asking couples to provide me with a compelling argument as to why they should be allowed to have sex. Obviously I’ll be keeping an eye on them to make sure they don’t fit in a sneaky second bonk’

Always the pragmatist, former arms dealer Smith realises that there may be flaws once this law is put into practice. “Sneeky poor people will doubtless find a way round the system. They always do. That’s why I’m launching a range of IDS shaped condoms which have proved incredibly effective in trials. The fact that when worn or inflated, they look exactly like me, will remind people of the new legislation and help them feel part of it.”

“If I’m guilty of anything, it’s caring too much” he added.


  1. Let’s do some simple arithmetic.

    10 milligrams of morphine + your writing = 10 milligrams of morphine on my PC monitor and me coughing up a kidney.


  2. You Sir are on a roll. Keep up the good work!

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