Government to make sick children do P.E

The Government will be forcing unwell children to do competitive sports as part of their ‘make people do things that they’re not up to’ drive. Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith said “They’re faking it. Having temperatures and saying achoo a lot doesn’t mean that they can’t spend two hours a week running around […]

“Speak English or lose benefits” Iain Duncan Smith tells Geordies

People from the Newcastle area are going to have to adopt a Southern English dialect or risk losing benefits according to Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith. “I’ve had another epiphany. I was busy imposing tough new language tests for migrants and then I realised that half the country don’t speak English properly. Mainly […]

Iain Duncan Smith “I could run a piss up in a brewery”

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith has hit back at critics who claim that he couldn’t run a piss up in a brewery with the clear response “I could. I could run a piss-up in a brewery.” “It’s just a clear, simple and concise system. Rather than make the beer in the brewery and […]

Iain Duncan Smith “Universal Credits will work if poor people stop having sex”

Iain Duncan Smith has this morning insisted that his Universal Credits project can and will work, on the proviso that all would be claimants keep their pants on and refrain from any form of sexual activity. The Work and Pensions Secretary, has pledged to personally monitor the sexual activities of those on benefits in order […]