“Speak English or lose benefits” Iain Duncan Smith tells Geordies

People from the Newcastle area are going to have to adopt a Southern English dialect or risk losing benefits according to Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith. “I’ve had another epiphany. I was busy imposing tough new language tests for migrants and then I realised that half the country don’t speak English properly. Mainly […]

Iain Duncan Smith “I could run a piss up in a brewery”

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith has hit back at critics who claim that he couldn’t run a piss up in a brewery with the clear response “I could. I could run a piss-up in a brewery.” “It’s just a clear, simple and concise system. Rather than make the beer in the brewery and […]

Government to only pay Sickness Benefit for 1970s afflictions

Iain Duncan Smith has announced this morning that sickness benefit will only be available for 1970s illnesses in part of further changes to the benefits system. “There was none of this long term sickness in the 1970s” he explained to a press conference, “people merely went to bed for a few days with a box […]

Government to send old people down mines

Old people must be sent down mines and not allowed up again unless they have dug up something of value in new legislation suggested this morning by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Speaking this morning on the Andrew Marr show, the wealthy career politician explained “We can’t just have these people working all their lives […]

Benefit claimants must ‘ride on a lion’ warns Iain Duncan Smith

Britain will not give EU immigrants any more benefits unless they are prepared to ride around on the back of a lion, Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith has warned, after Brussels launched legal action to get him to relax the rules. As part of a new chapter in ‘Compassionate Conservatism’, the Government is […]

Iain duncan Smith “Benefit claimants should eat each other”

People between jobs and struggling to survive on subsistence benefits should minimise food bills by simply tucking into themselves and other benefit claimants, according to Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith. “They all need to get together and decide by rolling dice or playing twister who should be first for the pot. For solitary […]

Cameron to round up stray Tories in the style of ‘One man and his dog’

David Cameron has been secretly wining and dining the producers of hit TV sports show ‘One man and his dog’ in a bid to round up stray grass roots tories who are determined to have their own opinions on things, according to an unnamed source. “He’s infuriated with trying to come across as a man […]

David Cameron “Simpler flat rate pension to keep old people out of restaurants”

The new flat rate state pension has been formulated with the sole objective of keeping old people out of restaurants, according to leaked e-mails between Prime Minister David Cameron and Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith. As part of a controversial plan to ‘hide the over 60s’ the correspondence details plans […]

Iain Duncan Smith “Poor people should beg for their benefits like barking seals”

Poor people will be required to sit on podiums, dive through hoops and perform other assorted tricks in order to receive benefit cheques which they will then catch in their mouths, according to Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith. Mr Duncan Smith, it is believed, ‘had an epiphany’ after taking himself on a publicly […]