Britain set to vote ‘Wanking Monkey’

Party leaders are said to be ‘upset and disappointed’ at the results of the latest polls released today which suggest that most of the British public are intending to shun all major and minor political parties at the forthcoming General election, and instead vote for a wanking monkey.

Cameron teaches Clegg to say “sausages”

Months of speculation as to the exact nature of Prime Minister David Cameron’s private meetings with Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, came to an end today as it transpired that Mr Cameron has been teaching Mr Clegg to say ‘Sausages’. A conservative party insider told us “Our plans to ridicule the Lib Dems have backfired […]

Lib Dems to diversify into making cheese

Senior Liberal Democrats have today warned members that the party no longer has enough support to be viable as a political institution alone, and as a result should also start making cheese.   Speaking at their spring conference Party leader and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg underlined the reasons behind the changes. “Jessops, Blockbuster and Comet […]

Hugh Grant confirmed as “King of the newspapers”

As a result of today’s cross party agreement, Hugh Grant has confirmed that he will be accepting the position of  ‘King of the Newspapers” and as of today all news stories must be submitted to him for approval and editing. The new role is thought to run concurrently with his present position of playing Hugh […]

Eastleigh residents turn to porn in desperate attempt to regain spotlight

Residents of Eastleigh have turned to adult entertainment in a desperate bid to regain the mass media appeal that they have coveted, enjoyed and later become addicted to. Professor of everything Dr Brian Cox has argued that this was sadly always on the cards. “We’ve seen it happen before with Big Brother contestants, X-Factor entrants […]

Cameron to round up stray Tories in the style of ‘One man and his dog’

David Cameron has been secretly wining and dining the producers of hit TV sports show ‘One man and his dog’ in a bid to round up stray grass roots tories who are determined to have their own opinions on things, according to an unnamed source. “He’s infuriated with trying to come across as a man […]

Chris Huhne ‘Likely to join the A-team’

Disgraced Liberal Democrat MP Chris Huhne will more than likely skip bail to become a soldier of fortune as opposed to serving his imminent prison sentence according to an inside source who wished to remain nameless. “He’s always wanted to be in a fictitious American vigilante organisation of some sort or other. Getting a criminal […]