Government moves to ban spanking the monkey

A Government think tank has today called for talks regarding individualised styles of mild violence against particular animals. Speaking at a packed press conference the Prime Minister explained “We’re not going to be pushing for an immediate and outright ban. We’re merely saying if anyone has a pet monkey then they shouldn’t be spanking it […]

“Migrants will steal your houses and eat your pets” warns Daily Mail

A new influx of migrants expected to all arrive at the same time on Jan 1st 2014 will steal the houses of hard working people brick by brick before barbecuing and eating any household pets, according to a stark warning issued today by the Daily Mail. Keep Britain Britishy campaigner and Daily Mail knee jerk […]

Government accused of favouritism towards hard working people

The Government have today been accused today of pandering to the wishes of hard working people. Speaking at a press conference this morning shouty number cruncher Eddie Balls warned that hard working people would not longer be able to expect an easy ride under a Labour administration. “First it was the bankers, then politicians, now […]

Government to only pay Sickness Benefit for 1970s afflictions

Iain Duncan Smith has announced this morning that sickness benefit will only be available for 1970s illnesses in part of further changes to the benefits system. “There was none of this long term sickness in the 1970s” he explained to a press conference, “people merely went to bed for a few days with a box […]

Nigel Farage tripped over and fell into tax haven

United Kingdom Independence Party leader Nigel Fararage assured supporters and well wishers today that he is very much alive and in good health, if a little shaken, after a terrible  accident where he reportedly tripped over and fell into a tax avoidance scheme. Speaking from his bed at a private hospital the jingoistic politician and […]

“We are mad swivel eyed loons” confirm grassroots Tory Activists

Conservative Party Co-chairman Lord Feldman has said he feels  ‘great relief’  today as the majority of grassroots party members have confirmed  “He’s absolutely right you know. We are mad, swivel-eyed loons”. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference Lord Feldman admitted that at one point he thought he may have gone a bit far and […]

Scotland erect wicker man for Nigel Farage

United Kingdom Indenial Party chief Nigel Fararage has been advised by aides that he must avoid going back to Scotland at all costs or risk being burnt to death in a giant wicker man along with a variety of livestock. Already herded into a pub for safe keeping in Edinburgh whilst the finishing touches were […]

Nigel Farage to employ special ‘racist finding’ psychic octopus

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has announced new plans to identify racists within the party who may have forgotten to mention that they were racist when they first joined the party. It is believed Mr Farage has used his own finances to purchase a distant relative of Germany’s ‘Paul the Octopus’ who shares the same psychic octopus […]

Lib Dems to diversify into making cheese

Senior Liberal Democrats have today warned members that the party no longer has enough support to be viable as a political institution alone, and as a result should also start making cheese.   Speaking at their spring conference Party leader and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg underlined the reasons behind the changes. “Jessops, Blockbuster and Comet […]

George Osborne “I’m going to keep putting my nob in a food processor”

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has vowed to redouble his efforts in placing his penis into a food processor despite clear evidence that it becomes a little bit shorter every time rather than longer as he originally predicted. The move comes as Moody’s have downgraded Britain’s credit rating from a AAA rating to AA1 […]