“It wasn’t even good stuff” says Paul Flowers

Former Co-operative Bank boss Paul Flowers has told critics that the Daily Mail’s recent video of him buying cocaine was part of a double disappointment to him as apparently it wasn’t even good stuff.

“I wouldn’t have minded if I had spent the rest of the night bouncing about like the bastard love child of a march hare and zebedee out of the magic roundabout. But nothing could be further from the truth. It was shit and even chopping it up with a platinum credit card on an antique mirror didn’t help. I’m going to be the laughing stock amongst other bankers when they find out. Obviously we all compare the quality of our marching powder every time we have a city knees-up  and the fact that I was filmed buying a half arsed blend of chalk, salt and smoker’s tooth powder will make me a pariah. And I’ll get a lot less party invites.”

The video was the result of a Daily Mail investigation into cocaine use of all professions except Daily mail journalists. A spokesman confirmed “Nobody who works for the Daily Mail has ever at any time indulged in cocaine or any other illegal drug, whether good or bad quality, due to our indigenous Britishness and exceedingly above average moral fibre. That’s why we are we are in a position to judge bank bosses who aren’t friends with our owner. Probably.”