Government to only pay Sickness Benefit for 1970s afflictions

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Iain Duncan Smith has announced this morning that sickness benefit will only be available for 1970s illnesses in part of further changes to the benefits system.

“There was none of this long term sickness in the 1970s” he explained to a press conference, “people merely went to bed for a few days with a box of tissues and some Lucozade. And then they got better. Or died. At least that’s how I remember it. And that’s what we have to get back to.”

“We’re drastically changing the way sickness benefit is calculated” Mr Duncan Smith continued, “each claimant will be required to have a short consultation with a 1970s style Doctor with bushy side burns. They’ll be asked to stick their tongue out and say ‘aah’ and the doctor will hit their knee with a small mallet. If the Doctor diagnoses a 1970s affliction such as measles then we’ll give them a tenner. If however, we find out that they only have Bipolar Disorder or Sleep Apnea, they’ll be required to give us a tenner.”

A recent welfare claimant who has had his claim turned down told us that he was disappointed by the decision but felt the move wasn’t all bad. “The Doctor was actually very good. He offered me a cigarette to put me at ease before telling me that there was no such thing as M.E and I should just stop being so lazy. He also gave me sensible advice such as keeping my alcohol intake below 140 units a week and always starting the day with a bowl of sugar. I know the consultation cost me £10 but it’s nothing more than I deserve. I’m just going to have to buck my lazy ideas up” he added.

UKIP leader Nigel Farararage was scathing about the measures. “The Work and Pensions secretary seems to have completely forgotten the widespread out breaks of German Measles during the 1970s. If we’re going to offer statutory sick pay for these ‘Euro-afflictions’ we might as well bend over and let Europe bum us. Repeatedly.”

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