Government to send old people down mines

old miners

Old people must be sent down mines and not allowed up again unless they have dug up something of value in new legislation suggested this morning by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne.

Speaking this morning on the Andrew Marr show, the wealthy career politician explained “We can’t just have these people working all their lives and then expecting some sort of pension. It’s a something for nothing culture. We’re not going to take anyone’s pension away completely, we’re just going to say ‘Go down a mine, dig up a diamond or a ton of coal and you can have your benefits.’ The jobs a good’un.”

Mr Osborne was clear in this mornings statement that he did not feel mining to be beyond the capabilities of many pensioners. “Look,” he explained “if you are well enough to sit around eating teacakes and watching Countdown, then you’re clearly well enough to grab a pick axe, go down a 950 metre mine shaft and dig up some tanzanite. If you become hungry while you’re down there, you can hunt down and kill a mole.”

Former National Union of Miners chief Arthur Scargill has offered to come out of retirement himself to be union leader.  “Obviously I won’t be going down any mines myself, but a new influx of miners can help buy me a new swanky flat. And you never know, some might even find they’re good at dancing like Billy Elliot.” He told us.

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith has signified his full support for the project  “It’s good to see someone bringing us positive ideas. It’s about time someone outed the old and infirm as the workshy fops they really are. We’ll be kitting them all out with hard hats and a canary in a cage, though obviously they’ll have to pay for them.”

“They won’t like it,” Mr Duncan Smith continued “but they’re the one demographic we have left to upset, before we all turn on each other like a pack of blood hungry, rabid wolves”

 

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