“Ooh no don’t shift left” say career politicians

Career politicians throughout the Labour Party have come together en masse to say “Ooh no! Don’t shift left. Think about us and our important careers. What if we don’t get elected? What if we do get elected and have to promise to feed everyone or something? This nonsense has to stop.” Former Leadership favourite until […]

Danny Alexander celebrates his 21st birthday

The Easter week-end has been a time for double celebration for ginger Lib Dem Danny Alexander as the Chief Secretary to the treasury was also celebrating his 21st birthday. Mr Alexander is thought to have toasted his 21st with a select group of friends of a similar age before bringing the festivities to an early […]

Farage “We must guarantee jobs for goose stepping nationalists”

Employers will be legally able to deny jobs to foreigners, women, lefties and gay people in favour of goose stepping shaven headed nationalists adorned in full nazi regalia, should UKIP hold the balance of power following May’s General Election according to leader Nigel Farage. Speaking in an interview on popular radio station Common Sense FM, […]

Cameron calls to replace tv debates with Only Fools and Horses

Prime Minister David Cameron has called for more episodes of ‘Only Fools and Horses’ to be shown in place of any live television debates ahead of this year’s general election. The Prime Minister warned that unless the slots earmarked for the debates were filled with a tried and tested 1980s sitcom starring David Jason, mob […]

Daily Mail readers to get own parliament

Daily Mail readers are to get their own parliament as discussions regarding regional devolution progress and following the acceptance that some people live not in a particular geographical location, but in a mythical version of Britain that is only in their head. A spokesman for the Daily Mail has described the move as a victory […]

Britain celebrates as devolution means lots and lots more politicians

People across the British Isles have been celebrating throughout the night at news that and English Parliament, a London Parliament, a Cornwall parliament, an East Anglian Parliament and a Manchester Parliament on top of bigger Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish Assemblies mean lots and lots more politicians wittering on incessantly, and troughing it up, all […]

Government moves to ban spanking the monkey

A Government think tank has today called for talks regarding individualised styles of mild violence against particular animals. Speaking at a packed press conference the Prime Minister explained “We’re not going to be pushing for an immediate and outright ban. We’re merely saying if anyone has a pet monkey then they shouldn’t be spanking it […]

“Speak English or lose benefits” Iain Duncan Smith tells Geordies

People from the Newcastle area are going to have to adopt a Southern English dialect or risk losing benefits according to Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith. “I’ve had another epiphany. I was busy imposing tough new language tests for migrants and then I realised that half the country don’t speak English properly. Mainly […]

Government to send old people down mines

Old people must be sent down mines and not allowed up again unless they have dug up something of value in new legislation suggested this morning by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Speaking this morning on the Andrew Marr show, the wealthy career politician explained “We can’t just have these people working all their lives […]

Ed Balls ‘Genetically modified old people will grow fur coats’

Mr Eddie Balls, Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer and arguably number two in the ‘same shit different faces’ party has told a press conference that his pledge  to stop winter fuel cash payments to old age pensioners once in power is in no way cruel or inhumane, as a new breed of old people will […]