Ed Balls ‘Genetically modified old people will grow fur coats’

eddie balls

Mr Eddie Balls, Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer and arguably number two in the ‘same shit different faces’ party has told a press conference that his pledge  to stop winter fuel cash payments to old age pensioners once in power is in no way cruel or inhumane, as a new breed of old people will be genetically modified to have fur coats.

In a move that may surprise Labour supporters, Mr Balls explained that he wanted to tackle the causes by which the elderly get chilly in the first place “I’ve had an epiphany. On visiting London Zoo I found a cage full of old people. They were all covered in fur coats though so none of them were cold. They also seemed quite fit and healthy and were swinging from bars, having sex and eating bananas. It occurred to me that if all our over sixties were this hairy then they wouldn’t need a winter fuel allowance. They seemed to be quite nimble on their feet as well so they probably wouldn’t need free bus passes either.”

It is thought that the move will enable parts of Britain to be turned into a giant OAP safari park with a modest entry fee to which visitors will be encouraged to feed the pensioners with their own bananas, custard creams and eccles cakes.”

Iain Duncan Smith has however ridiculed the idea, he told us that he felt he has a far more effective solution that would be put into place should the Coalition be re-elected for a second term. “I’ve had an epiphany as well. I’ve just returned from a tax payer funded trip to water world in Orlando. The OAPs there were coated in an oily blubber and they spent their time swimming and performing acrobatics for fish.  They clearly didn’t need any benefits at all. Our new blubbery OAPs could splash around Britain’s coastline entertaining tourists and protecting us from invaders at the same time. That way we could also slash the defence budget.”

It is thought that either project will be headed by Professor Brian Cox “I’m mixing up loads of chemicals in jars as we speak so we should be able to make our elderly population hairy or water proof depending on which way the political wind happens to be blowing. If for any reason it doesn’t work, it might just be worth keeping the benefits system as it is” he explained.

One pensioner we spoke to told us “It’s amazing what they can do these days”.


  1. “Cracking read as always – big up da Toad! Comedy – warts’n’all.” @Wrenfoe

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