Porn star Ron Jeremy set to be the new Doctor Who

Aging skin flick actor Ron Jeremy is widely tipped to be replacing Matt Smith as the new Doctor Who according to BBC sources.

Doctor Who writer Steven Moffat spoke of his excitement at the change of direction for the show.  “The new Doctor realises that having had many platonic relationships with a number of glamorous assistants he has missed out on quite a bit of hokey pokey. He vows to travel back through time and space to meet up with them and see if they’re up for a bit of the other. He’s not too bothered about Tegan who travelled with the Doctor when he was Peter Davidson, but feels that all the others, male, female and alien are probably worth a bunk up.”

His first adventure in search of some rumpy pumpy sees him accidentally land on the Dalek planet where the Daleks are planning to take over the universe. However Davros points out that it is incredibly hot in the control room and the Doctor, Davros and the Daleks all strip off and start having sex. After a hot and steamy session and Dalek cries of “Ejaculate! Ejaculate!” the Doctor takes advantage of the subsequent post coital drowsiness and escapes to the Tardis to begin his next adventure.

Whoever eventually takes over as the next Doctor from Mr Jeremy will see a different plot line again as the Doctor is chased for child support payments by Daleks, Cybermen and other assorted aliens.  One episode will involve him being sent to the Jeremy Kyle planet where he will be shouted at for his irresponsible behaviour across time and space.

The BBC has faced critcism that the  pre-watershed programme which will include episodes such as ‘The planet of the beef curtains’ should not be showing such explicit scenes, but the BBC has denied that this is in any way inappropriate. “It’s mainly aliens having sex. So it’s no different from watching two gazelles having a shag on a David Attenborough documentary”

It is not yet clear who will play the Doctor’s new assistant, but it is thought they’ll need to be able to play the wah-wah guitar whenever things get a bit steamy.