David Cameron “Simpler flat rate pension to keep old people out of restaurants”

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The new flat rate state pension has been formulated with the sole objective of keeping old people out of restaurants, according to leaked e-mails between Prime Minister David Cameron and Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith. As part of a controversial plan to ‘hide the over 60s’ the correspondence details plans to make mid-priced eating establishments ‘OAP free’ by 2019.

In one of the leaked e-mails Mr Cameron says “Iain, the last thing we want is to have to run into these people when we eat out in the evenings. They’re all a bit pissed off with us which ruins the ambience. We need to make absolutely sure that their budget doesn’t run beyond Greggs or the West Cornwall Pasty company. Once we have then cancelled their free bus travel we’ll be a step closer to our shared Logan’s run type utopia.”

In one of Mr Duncan Smith’s replies he states “I agree, they’re all starting to get a bit too feisty for my liking. If they would only sit at home and eat tea cakes like old people used to then we wouldn’t be in this mess”.

The Government have said that the new system would be clearer, and fairer for the self-employed and many mothers. It has also conceded that the additional legislation banning ‘OAP specials’ would make pensioners think twice about leaving the house for their dinner.

Leader of the Opposition Ed Miliband was quick to respond to the revelations. “It’s yet another example of the ‘nasty party’ in full swing. Now I get just as annoyed as anyone else when old people take ages to decide what they’re going to have to eat. But I just swear at them under my breath and growl a bit. There’s certainly no need to ban them from restaurants altogether.”

One surprise advocate of the policy however has been Fat Duck owner Heston Blumenthal. “The trouble with the older generation is that they want everywhere to be exactly like a Berni Inn” he told us. “When I then serve them a beef wellington crafted to look like a turd with exploding carrots and they just moan. And they’re more likely than you think to do a runner when they get the bill”.

The emails go further to suggest that these moves could also successfully price pensioners out of upmarket shops, orchestral concerts and cricket matches. They do appear to stipulate however that the separatist policies would not include “decent OAPs who holiday abroad and know about wine”.

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