The Conservative party will be lovely to fluffy animals, kiss babies and give everyone a free slice of cake according to their manifesto released this morning.
“We’re nice like that Ed Miliband now.” Prime Minister Theresa May explained whilst speaking to a select group of Conservative members surrounded by armed guards.
“We will fight injustice. We haven’t actually fought it up until now, but that’s because we’re limbering up to really fight it after we win the election. And you can be absolutely sure we will genuinely fight it this time and not just let our friends get rich on the backs of the poor in a fashion that would have made Margaret Thatcher feel guilty. That’s because we care. If anything we’re guilty of caring too much.
“And if you vote us in again, we’re going to be absolutely lovely. And it’ll be a magical world where dreams can come true.
“Unless of course you are poor, or ill, or need any form of social care, or you are a public sector worker, or a child wanting lunch or a fox, in which case we’re going to crush you all like a fois gras.” She added.
News Toad 
Unfortunately unerringly accurate.