May promises workers’ rights like a python promising not to constrict anyone

Prime Minister Theresa May has promised to uphold workers rights, as presently required under EU law, in the style of a python promising not to constrict anyone or a crocodile vowing to become vegan.

The Prime Minister was speaking to a crowd of 3 or 4 party activists masquerading as workers in a factory after the real workforce had been sent home.

In the style of a fox promising strong and stable management of a chicken coop, Mrs May insisted that only a Conservative Government could promise workers’ rights and put the economy first, which might mean not delivering the workers’ rights that she promised which in turn probably wouldn’t benefit the economy either.

“I will promise to put a worker on the board of every company, a policy which I myself vetoed having promised to do the same at a previous election” she explained with dead eyes like a shark vowing not to eat any more fish.

“And we’ll be legislating more tea breaks or something. Is that what workers like?” She mused unconvincingly

“And we’ll be increasing the National living wage I expect. Unless of course something happens that means we won’t.” She smirked.

BBC political editor Laura Kuenssberg has given a completely impartial, non-biased and in no way right wing view of the situation.

“Labour and conservatives are both offering the same in terms of workers rights but people are worried that Labour might actually do them. They obviously think Britain has a money tree.” She explained.

“Was that alright Theresa?” She added.