MPs who voted for Iraq war rebel against half arsed referendum saboteur

Labour MPs who voted for the Iraq war have come out in force to rebel against their leader who couldn’t be arsed to win a referendum.

Burnham stages armed coup of Labour leadership

Andy Burnham has reportedly staged an armed coup of the Labour leadership, surrounding himself with trigger happy henchmen and claiming total control and leadership of the Labour party, according to news just in. In a televised message Mr Burnham said “I warned you I would do or say anything to get into power. It has […]

Neil Kinnock banned from voting in labour leadership

Former Labour leader Neil Kinnock has described reports of him being banned from voting in the forthcoming Labour leadership contest as “a storm in a teacup”. “I don’t even care.” He confirmed. Mr Kinnock is understood to have failed a series of increasingly stringent tests designed to weed out people who might be voting to […]

Andy Burnham “Never trust a man with a beard”

Labour must avoid electing a leader with facial hair at all costs, according to leadership hopeful Andy Burnham, who has warned of catastrophic consequences to party members who choose to put their trust in a man with a beard. “One of the founding principles of the Labour movement is that you should never trust a […]

“Ooh no don’t shift left” say career politicians

Career politicians throughout the Labour Party have come together en masse to say “Ooh no! Don’t shift left. Think about us and our important careers. What if we don’t get elected? What if we do get elected and have to promise to feed everyone or something? This nonsense has to stop.” Former Leadership favourite until […]

Labour despair as Ed Miliband takes vow of silence and sits in bucket

Senior Shadow cabinet members are said to be highly disappointed at yesterdays decision by Ed Miliband to completely stop speaking, both privately and publicly. A close family source said “It started over Sunday lunch when he refused to confirm or deny whether he would like another roast potato. Since then he has answered the phone […]

Unhealthy foods to have swearing on the packaging

Unhealthy foods that appeal to children should have a minimum level of swearing on the packaging to discourage parents from buying them for their children, according to Shadow Health Secretary Andy Burnham. Labour will today propose new legal limits on levels of fat, sugar and salt that can be present in childrens food, before covering […]