Andy Burnham has reportedly staged an armed coup of the Labour leadership, surrounding himself with trigger happy henchmen and claiming total control and leadership of the Labour party, according to news just in.
In a televised message Mr Burnham said “I warned you I would do or say anything to get into power. It has been necessary for me to do this in order to make Labour electable. Labour needs a life-long leader. That way the electorate are bound to vote me in sooner or later.”
The coup was originally thought to have been organised by rival leadership hopeful Liz Kendall who on discussing the exit polls stunned an entire press conference by changing into combat fatigues, covering her face in charcoal and waving a machine gun about.
However, one witness told us “Then Burnham turned up in an armoured car, also wearing military attire but with dark glasses and lots more medals. It was quite clear he was in charge.”
Leadership favourite Jeremy Corbyn is thought to be on the run, and may possibly even have shaved his beard off in a bid to slip under the radar.
A spokesman for Labour HQ said “We think without the beard he may look like Nigel Havers. Should anyone find him please escort him to the nearest Labour HQ, For his own safety.”