Unhealthy foods to have swearing on the packaging

Unhealthy foods that appeal to children should have a minimum level of swearing on the packaging to discourage parents from buying them for their children, according to Shadow Health Secretary Andy Burnham. Labour will today propose new legal limits on levels of fat, sugar and salt that can be present in childrens food, before covering the packaging with profanities.

According to Mr Burnham “If a child is fat then ultimately it is the Government’s fault. But parents can do their part by not filling their children full of sugary processed shit in the first place. Now we can’t expect a parent to stop feeding their children Coco Pops as they have a funny monkey on the packaging. But if we made the manufacturer change the name to ‘Fucking Coco Pops’ and replaced the cartoon monkey with a picture of a real life wanking monkey, then perhaps this would help point parents in the right direction. Similarly, people will get to know the catchphrase ‘Frosties…they’re fucking great!’. Swearing on sugar free cereals will of course be entirely optional.”

Health Minister Jeremy Hunt has however confirmed that there will be no plans to introduce such legislation under a conservative government. “The state can’t take responsibility for child obesity as it is up to the parents to add swearing to certain food groups as deemed appropriate. In my family for example, breakfast is a choice between nice healthy muesli or a cunting pop tart. It works well for us”

Healthy eating pressure groups have argued that the proposed legislation would not make any difference to the current child obesity epidemic whether voluntary or mandatory. “Chubby kids swear more anyway” a spokesman told us.