Church of England “Gay Bishops must sit on space hoppers”

space hopper

Gay Bishops will be required to preach their sermons whilst bouncing up and down on space hoppers in another shift in their policy on homosexuality in the clergy. After talks between the outgoing Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams and his replacement the Rt Rev Justin Welby it has been decided that there is no issue with a Bishop being gay as long as, firstly, the congregation still have the right to be homophobic, and secondly, the Bishop must be seen to be bouncing up and down on a space hopper at all times.

At a press conference held this morning a spokesman from the Church of England told us “Whilst we have back tracked on the issue of gay Bishops and them having partners, we don’t like the idea of them being affectionate with each other. There are plenty of phallic objects in a church and obviously we need to make sure that the Bishops aren’t sitting on them. So, if we can keep them bouncing up and down on space hoppers all day, we can keep an eye on them and they won’t get a chance to do anything naughty. Also, if you have a gay priest bouncing up and down on a space hopper, then the parishioners know where they stand.”

The move however may have had unforeseen side effects which the church have already admitted are not ideal. “Some of our younger priests sadly have begun preaching sermons on space hoppers whether they are gay or not, simply because it looks fun. We have stressed that Bishops must only ride on these toys if they bat for the other team. Sadly many parishioners have taken to bringing space hoppers to services and bouncing around manically during the lords prayer. The hymn ‘We plough the fields and scatter’ seems to be seen as carte blanche for the whole congregation to go ballistic bouncing around like March hares”

One more traditional parishioner expressed his dissatisfaction at the situation. “I think space hoppers make things worse. The ears at the top look like penises, so it will look like the Bishop is pleasuring a ‘Two knobbed monster’. I think we should make them play swingball instead.”

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