Alternative medical world celebrates first ever aura transplant


Alternative medical practitioners around the world were toasting the success of a British Consultant alternative healer who has successfully completed the worlds first aura transplant. In an 8 hour operation that required the assistance of homeopaths, reiki healers, spiritual physicians and hopi ear candle therapists, Dr Ben ‘Shakras’ Goldcacre succeeded in surgically fitting an entire aura to his patient Layla Moonchild. Ms Moonchild had sadly lost her aura after her trust fund had been suspended and she’d been forced to get a job.

“I had to work in a Harvester for 4 weeks” she told us “and having to ask people if they’d ever been to a harvester before and having to serve them meat, I felt my aura draining away. I could feel myself becoming critically shallow, I tried phoning the emergency services who were unbelievably unhelpful, even rude! The moment Daddy decided that I’d learnt my lesson and reactivated my credit cards, I checked myself into a holistic hospital. It’s terrible that none of this is available on the National Health Service”

Indeed the charge of £75,000 for a full aura transplant may prove prohibitive for all but the most well off patients. “Sadly,” Ms Moonchild tells us “we live in a shallow world where all public health funds are spent on injecting antibiotics into pigs and transplanting stupid things like hands and feet. And livers.”

Luckily Ms Moonchild was in a position to pay for the operation which could not have come a moment too soon according to Dr Goldacre. “People think that the body is kept alive by the heart beating, whereas in actual fact, it is actually kept going by an energy field called Chi which pings around the body like a game of pinball using ‘Shakras’ as flippers. Every time you lose a ‘Chi ball’ through the Shakra flippers, your aura fades. And every time you get a high score it gets brighter again. But if it fades completely you’ve got exactly 5 minutes to stick a crystal up your arse. Failing that the transplant operation is the only way out.”

Health secretary Jeremy Hunt has publicly congratulated Dr Goldacre and his team. “Of course this will eventually be available on the NHS. But if people would just take responsibility for their auras we wouldn’t be in this terrible mess.”

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