Red trousers given health warning

Blokes who wear red trousers are exposing themselves and others to a wide variety of health issues according to a report released today by the Department of Health. The report is thought to be the first to make a firm connection between wearing red trousers and symptoms such as sticking out a mile on country […]

Smoking damages the chakras warn reiki therapists

In their strongest anti smoking message yet reiki therapists have warned that heavy smoking may cause permanent damage to chakras, the aura and may slow down the flow of chi. A spokesman for the the British Reiki Association (BRA) told us “We don’t really believe in ‘lungs’ and ‘the brain’ per se, as they rely […]

Cigarettes to have invisible packaging

Cigarettes are to start using invisible packaging as part of a series of new measures to discourage smokers. Secretary of State for Health,  Member of Parliament for South West Surrey, and supporter of homeopathic woo, Jeremy Hunt said “If people can’t find their cigarettes then they’re less likely to smoke. The only slight flaw is that […]

Woman proves all alternative therapies by saying “have you ever seen a thought?”

Doctors, scientists and healthcare professionals have been left shame faced today after a proponent of reiki healing,  Jay Diamond, asked them if they had ever seen a thought. Speaking on her morning show on Unity Radio she told her several listeners “People might think that reiki healing is simply made up nonsense used to earn a […]

Prince Charles urges unproven cures for serious diseases

His Royal Highness Prince Charles has today urged the public to ignore scientifically proven cures for illnesses and instead rely on sugar pills soaked with water, that may have been in the same jug as some water that may have touched an ingredient which is not proven in anyway to cure the affliction in question. […]

BBC Apologises to pensioner for mumbling

The British Broadcasting Corporation have been forced to apologise this morning to disgruntled pensioner Edna Onions who has complained that the entire cast of every programme, drama or news item has resorted to mumbling, leaving it impossible to decipher a single word that is being said. “I think it’s disgraceful. People on television used to […]

Scientists hail miracle “Eat less Poo more” diet

  British scientists have hailed the arrival of a new diet that if followed correctly has a 100% success rate for losing weight and could completely eradicate the UK’s obesity crisis. Dubbed the “Eat less, Poo more” diet as it involves a combination of eating less food and passing more stools, it is already popular […]

News Toad Special Report: Reiki Healing proven to work!

I have a confession to make. About 20 years ago at a minor music festival my mate Dave and I decided to see if we could earn a bit of extra cash by performing “Didgeridoo therapy”.  We would find potential punters with names like “Roman Hawkmoon”, lie them down and ask them to imagine they […]

Boss actually sticks employee’s job up his arse

Stoke Mandeville hospital situated right in the heart of extra toe country, is quite used to its fair share of unusual injuries. But staff at accident and emergency were rather taken aback this morning, by the arrival of a local office manager Mike ‘Ted’ Rogers with a full time administrative job inserted firmly into his […]

“Welsh people should have listened to us” say crystal healers

Welsh people could have avoided their present measles epidemic if they had simply planned ahead and booked themselves in for crystal therapy sessions according to the National Association of Crystal Healing Therapists today. Speaking at press conference, a spokesman for the Association explained “It’s all a bit irresponsible. Everybody knows measles is caused by sluggish […]