Stupid George Osborne to issue autumn statement in winter

George Osborne has today fended off accusations that he is incompetent and irresponsible as widespread criticism mounts that he is issuing an Autumn statement in Winter. Shadow Chancellor Eddie Balls told us “It’s ridiculous. Everybody knows that December is in Winter. If he can’t get that right then how can he be left in charge […]

Britain furious at not being bugged by America

Downing Street have today summoned the American Ambassador following revelations that neither David Cameron, his cabinet or the majority of the British public have been bugged by America. The shocking realisation that in the scheme of things Britain might not be very important on the world stage is said to have hit David Cameron hard. Speaking at […]

Daily Mail vindicated as immigrant takes all our jobs

The Daily Mail has had to hire extra temporary staff to deal with the huge amount of post containing letters of apology from members of the British public. It appears this morning that despite many warnings from the Daily Mail over several decades, Jesus Xavier Disraeli aged 34 from Bolivia, arrived in Britain unchecked, collected […]

David Cameron brings imaginary friend to G20 meeting

David Cameron is reportedly set for a series of private meetings within G20 with another delegate that apparently no-one else can see and is known solely as Roland. One journalist covering the meeting in Moscow told us “It’s been a funny conference so far. Nobody seemed to want to talk to Mr Cameron but he […]

Conservatives declare war on themselves

Prime Minister David Cameron has declared war on himself and advised that all other Conservative Party members do the same. Speaking at a press conference this morning the beleaguered Premier explained  “We want a war. Labour did it. And we’re supposed to be the war party. And if Parliament won’t allow us to invade anywhere else […]

Obama and Cameron to attack Puppet Island

Barack Obama and David Cameron have today indicated that they will join forces to drop bombs on the rogue state of Puppet Island, with or without a United Nations resolution. In a joint statement, said in unison, the two premiers told a packed press conference “We’ve got loads of missiles and it’s time to pile in […]

Foreign Office change advice to ‘Everybody must go to Yemen’

In a surprise change of direction this morning the foreign office have changed their advice for travelers  to “Fuck it. Life’s too short. Let’s all go on holiday to Yemen.” Speaking at a press conference this morning Foreign Secretary William Hague Well explained “We recently asked people to stay away from the place but then […]

Scientists hail miracle “Eat less Poo more” diet

  British scientists have hailed the arrival of a new diet that if followed correctly has a 100% success rate for losing weight and could completely eradicate the UK’s obesity crisis. Dubbed the “Eat less, Poo more” diet as it involves a combination of eating less food and passing more stools, it is already popular […]

Employers say “It’s ok not to go in tomorrow”

Employers have come together to agree an impromptu day off for all workers tomorrow. A spokesman for the National Union of Bosses told us. “It’s been a lovely day, and people have obviously had a few beers after lunch, so we’re willing to draw a blind eye if people can’t be arsed to come in. […]

“What the fuck is Khat?” Police ask Theresa May

Home Secretary Theresa May has today opposed the advice of her own drugs advisers to announce that the plant Khat, which people chew and wakes you up a bit like coffee, is to be made illegal. Defending her decision, she told us “It’s not like coffee. It’s drugs. Despite what our drugs advisers may be […]