Amber Rudd “British loo paper for British arses”

British people are to wipe their British arses with British loo paper after using British toilets, according to new legislation outlined today by Home Secretary Amber Rudd.

Theresa May “Police must top up their wages with bribes”

Police officers will be expected to top up their wages with bribes for ‘drawing a blind eye’, according to Home Secretary Theresa May, as the Government announce plans to reduce the starting salary of a Police Constable by 20%. Speaking at press conference this morning, the Home Secretary told us “On a recent trip to […]

Theresa May “All Private investigators must have a theme tune”

All private investigators will be required to work with a signature theme tune in the background according to new legislation announced this morning by Home Secretary Theresa May. “We’ve had a number of complaints of Private Investigators to being up to all sorts. So it’s quite clear they need to have a theme tune playing […]

Drug use at an all time low as young people discover lying

The proportion of adults who tell Policemen that they use illegal drugs has fallen to its lowest level since records began, according to the latest crime survey for England and Wales. The report states that drug use is now at it’s lowest since 1996, a notoriously well behaved year when absolutely no one took drugs […]

“What the fuck is Khat?” Police ask Theresa May

Home Secretary Theresa May has today opposed the advice of her own drugs advisers to announce that the plant Khat, which people chew and wakes you up a bit like coffee, is to be made illegal. Defending her decision, she told us “It’s not like coffee. It’s drugs. Despite what our drugs advisers may be […]

English Defence league succeed in defending England and promoting racial harmony

The British public this morning united as one to thank the English Defence League for being so quick off the mark to get together and defend Britain from extremists. By throwing bottles at the Police. A spokesman from the Metropolitan Police told us “Initially we felt after an attack from Islamic extremists we could have […]

Abu Qatada “I’ll go if Theresa May comes with me”

Abu Qatada has surprised his critics today by agreeing to leave Britain on his own accord.  He has however stipulated that Home Secretary Theresa May must come with him. In a statement read out by his solicitor this morning the hairy Lothario  explained his decision. “The art of being a good guest is knowing when […]

Plot revealed to oust David Cameron’s successor

In a week that has seen David Cameron not only accidentally invited to a meeting to choose his successor but actually nominated to take over from himself as Party Leader,  moves  are apparently afoot amongst grass roots conservatives to get rid of David Cameron’s replacement as soon as he or she replaces David Cameron. One […]