Amber Rudd “British loo paper for British arses”

British people are to wipe their British arses with British loo paper after using British toilets, according to new legislation outlined today by Home Secretary Amber Rudd.

Daily Mail readers confused now Labour are racist

Daily Mail readers have this morning demanded clarity from their newspaper following claims that the labour party are in fact the party of racial intolerance. One outraged reader said “I’ve been reading the Mail every morning since the 1960s  and have dutifully followed my  instructions to blame all my life’s woes on the foreign looking […]

Shock as Britain First realise we fought against the far right in world war 2

BNP style foreigner blamers Britain First are said to have called an emergency meeting this morning as it emerged that one senior member was yesterday informed by a veteran that in World War 2, Britain actually fought against the far right. One shocked activist said “You mean we co-operated with very large number of different […]

Farage “I’m only racist when I eat cheese”

Nigel Farage has expressed “regret” for controversial remarks he made about Romanians, explaining that such things often happen if he has been eating cheese. “Look  it wasn’t really me. It was the cheese talking.  I was hungry. Someone offered me a lump of cheddar and the next thing I know I’m spouting nonsense about how […]

UKIP to prove “not racist” by painting Jim Davidson brown

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has said that he will instruct party activists to paint 1970s comedian and former generation game host Jim Davidson a shade of brown so he looks a bit foreign. Speaking to a heaving press conference this morning Mr Farage explained “It doesn’t seem to matter what we do, people still think […]

EDL turn on each other as sunshine makes them look Mediterranean

The English Defence League have declared war on each other as the last few days of scorching weather have resulted in their own members looking from a distance like they might come from Spain, Italy or Portugal.  This mornings march reportedly descended into violence after each protester mistakenly believed that the group had been taken […]