British people are to wipe their British arses with British loo paper after using British toilets, according to new legislation outlined today by Home Secretary Amber Rudd.
Outlining plans to ban all imports of foreign toilet tissue and then ration the domestic tissue for British born residents, particularly ones that prefer to take a dump under a union jack whilst reading the Daily Express, Ms Rudd said:
“If we don’t pass legislation now, then before you know it you’ll have foreign people’s arses being wiped with British loo paper, leaving hard working British arses out in the cold, or even worse having to use a bidet or a continental quilt.
“I’m not racist, but we’ve got to listen to the people. Including the ones who are racist.”
The speech earned Ms Rudd a standing ovation, many Conservative members saying it was news that they had waited a generation for. Indeed Prime Minister Theresa May lambasted the liberal elite for poo-pooing members of the public simply because they wanted to drop their kids off at the pool, whilst listening to the national anthem and grimacing like a British bulldog.
“If immigrants think they can come over here, live a normal life, take a shit and then simply wipe their arses, wash their hands and get on with their day, then they’re not going to find us such a soft touch.” She warned.