Donald Trump has promised US citizens that he will keep all future sexual assaults outside work hours so as not to affect his ability to perform as president.
“It will be perfectly safe for women to be in the same room as me as long as I haven’t finished work for the day and as long as I’m not on my lunch break.
“If I still can’t control myself then I’ll have a wall built around myself. And women are going to have to pay for it.” He promised.
However Mr Trump has also complained that he is very much the victim of a media conspiracy.
“I’ve been set up by the paparazzi. They’ve been reporting things that I’ve said word for word. You wouldn’t catch Putin putting up with that.This will all change when I’m president.” He promised.
And despite these revelations Mr Trump continues to enjoy widespread support and celebrity endorsements.
“I’ll still vote for him. It was over ten years ago that he boasted about sexually assaulting women on a daily basis. This has been blown out of all proportion” Actor OJ Simpson told us yesterday.
“And this doesn’t change a thing. I’m still going to punch him in the face” fellow actor Robert de Niro added.